Sitting in the Ashes
It has been some time since I have posted on the blog, and for that I apologize. My wife and I have faced something these last few months that have tested us in a way we never imagined.
On April 5th, my bride endured a nine hour brain surgery to remove a tumor that was discovered only weeks before. We had been seeing some symptoms for a while and attributed them to many other things, but never imagined it would be this serious. I will never forget the moment she told me of the phone call from the doctor that said it was a tumor. The next few months became a whirlwind of finding a surgeon, traveling four hours from home, spending a month walking through the surgery and recovering enough to travel home. To say it rocked our world and completely changed us is a vast understatement. By God’s grace, the tumor has only a .1 percent chance of being cancer. However, our lives are altered as Heather relearns how to walk and balance herself, deals with the loss of hearing on her left side, as well as a year of “things waking back up” and returning to full function.
As we began to walk through this journey and as word got out, there was one phrase that was used often. It was a phrase that I have spoken of many times before to others. That phrase was “God has a plan”. To be quite honest, that phrase angered me. I know that God has a plan and I even know that His plan is perfect but at this time I did not like His plan! I hated the plan! I hated the fact that my wife was enduring such pain and long recovery. I hated what we had to walk through. I hope my bluntness does not offend anyone, but the truth of the thoughts must be explored. Please do not misunderstand my writing here, I appreciate the saints that spoke these words and I love their heart. I did not dare speak any ill words to them as they spoke this truth to me but in my shock and in my hurt I did not want to hear anything about God’s plan.
As I processed this in my heart and mind I thought of Job. I do not pretend to be walking through anything near what Job endured but it was our “worse” and it was our trial. When Job lost everything he was seen sitting in the ashes in mourning over what he endured. He even questioned God! I will save the rest of the story for you to read and I know that God took Job to task over his pride and sin. But for now let us pause as he was simply sitting in the ashes. His friends, although they meant well, tried to let Job know of their opinions and their take on “the plan”. None of this helped Job in that moment. What they needed to do was not add advice (at least not right off the bat). What Job needed in the moment was for someone to sit in the ashes with him. To feel the feelings and the pain. Simply be there in the moment!
The morning after my bride’s surgery I found myself sitting at the table in the kitchen of the borrowed mission house, at 6 am, watching the clock. I had to leave my bride in the ICU the night before knowing the first nigh was critical. I had not slept a wink. I was waiting until the time I could get to the hospital for visiting hours to see her face again and let her know I was there with her. I was sitting in the ashes in that moment. My dad, who is always ready to give advice that is almost always on point, grabbed a cup of coffee, sat next to me, looked at me, and put his hand on my shoulder while I cried. He just sat in the ashes with me. Fresh out of the hospital a few days later, eating biscuits and gravy at Cracker Barrel, my bride and I received advice, the words we needed, from my father that changed our perspective on the whole journey and still speak to us today.
But first, he just sat in the ashes with me. Wounded pastors need those who will sit in the ashes. We know that God has a plan, we trust that plan, but we are wounded. Sit with us for a moment. Mourn with us. Then God will use your words later.
Matthew Tanner
The Wounded Pastor
